I feel like I m…

I feel like I meant/mean absolutely nothing to you.



It’s one in the morning..

..and I have the urge to blog.

I don’t know what about, I’m tired and can’t really think, but I guess a part of me wants to be heard.

I have to admit, I’m scared. I’m scared of the future, but I’m also beyond excited. Things have changed a lot in the past year. I feel like I have found out a lot more about myself and about the person who I am and who I’m becoming. I’ve realized that I need to put myself out there and take more risks, because of course, what’s life without risks?
With doing that, I’ve been having so much more fun at school; once and a while, it’s fun to walk to a sketch party in the pouring rain.


But in all honesty, I don’t know where I’m going with this, and I should probably stop typing before I regret it and spill all of my secrets from the past quarter.

I guess this is just a little filler, considering it has been quite awhile since I’ve actually written anything.

And with that, I will say goodnight.

You never fail to surprise me.

You really just don’t get it do you?



So much has happened in the past week, it’s all a big blur to me. I never thought something like this would happen, but I guess in a way, I saw it coming.

I think I’ve changed a lot over the past year and few years. And sometimes it scares me.
I look in the mirror and sometimes I don’t know who’s looking back at me. I’ve realized that yes, I have changed a lot, and as of now, I’m still changing. So I guess I just haven’t found out who I am yet.
It’s so weird to look back at old pictures and think to myself “What happened to that girl? Where is she now?” Thoughts like that scare me.

I’m just confused with everything that is going on right now. So many things are being thrown at me, I don’t know  how to react or feel. In a way I’m numb. I’m trying to go at everything in the best way possible and be mature but I don’t know if what I’m doing is right. And I’ll probably never know.

I’m scared for the future, I am. But I need to get myself to realize that it’s going to come no matter what and I can’t control it. I need to start living my life now, in the moment, and  stop worrying so much about what’s next.

But I am worried, I can’t just throw this huge part of me away. I need it to stay in my life.
I want more than anything to never have to say goodbye to it.

Just a Little Update.

After being fairly depressed for awhile, I’m happy to say that I’m finally really happy with my life here.

I was really thinking about transferring to some place where I knew more people or thought I would fit in better, but after a lot of thinking, I’ve realized that I really did pick the best school for me.

After Arad left after the amazing weekend here, I wanted more than anything to just go home and leave this place that was making me feel so lonely and alone all the time. I’ve been feeling this way for quite some time. I’ve been very lonely and feeling like I haven’t yet found my place here. I felt like everyone else had their group and their thing except for me. So after getting down on myself about it for maybe a month, I decided to put myself out there.
I had already joined the running club, so that was helping with meeting new people that had the same interests as me, but I went one step further and started going to the Hillel here. I’ve met so many great people there, I’m even living with two of the girls next year.

I’m really thankful for having the chance to meet all the great people, and I’m happy with myself for putting myself out there and trying new things even if I don’t know what the outcome is going to be like. Going to college has made me realize that sometimes you just have to take the risk and try something new. Who knows, you might like the outcome.

So as of now, I’m happy here.
I’ve found friends that I really feel are true (after going through a few flakey ones) and I no longer feel nearly as lonely.

When I was thinking about transferring, I made a list in my head of the good and bad things here. I came up with way more good things, and realized that it would be very difficult to find all of these good things at a different school.
Realizing this assured me that I really did make the right choice.

Of course I would love to have been closer to home, closer to my friends, closer to Arad, but I think this is what college is all about. Getting away from home, finding yourself and still being able to have everything back at home.
I’m so lucky to have such a great supporting family, great friends, and an amazing boyfriend that I know will always be there for me even if we are  over 500 miles apart.

I always tell myself, if it’s worth it, get through it.
And this is definitely worth it.
All of the I miss you’s are worth it because I know I’m really lucky to have someone to say that to every day.

In a strange way, it’s kind of nice to miss someone so much, because it makes me realize that my feelings are true and strong and that it’s completely worth going through all of this just to be with them.

Just to wrap it up, I’m finally happy with everything here.
I know it took me some time, but I’m glad I’ve found my way.

Never Underestimate the Power of Love.

This past weekend went by way too quickly. I hated waking up this morning and thinking back and it being hard to remember what happened because it’s all such a blur, having Arad here just seemed so unreal, it’s almost like it didn’t happen.

I hate this feeling, this feeling that it was all a dream, I don’t know why it happens, I wish my mind would just realize that it wasn’t all a dream and be happy that it happened, but I’m so sad that it went by so quickly and that it’s all meshed together in one big memory. So to try to help myself I want to have a post about the weekend, so I look back at this, and remember everything that we did. So bear with me.

I’ve never been so excited/nervous to see anyone in my whole life. I got the airport Friday night a good 20 minutes before his flight landed and I couldn’t stand still, any time a new crowd of people walked out behind security after leaving their plane, my heart almost jumped out of my chest. When he finally walked out, I really don’t remember anything, I just remember running into his arms and feeling that warmth again. The feeling of being with him again is nothing I can describe, it’s just amazing.
Since his flight had been delayed an hour (my curse strikes again) it was already really late by the time we got back to my dorm.  We could have gone out, but decided to stay in and watch some of the best movie ever, Cool Runnings. 🙂

Waking up Saturday morning with him right next to me was the best feeling in the world. He makes me feel so safe and happy, I miss that feeling so much already. Whenever he’s here, I feel like everything is going to be okay and he’s going to keep me safe no matter what. It’s such an amazing feeling.
For breakfast, we went to my favorite place to get food, Barry’s. It’s a little bakery place that has sandwiches, soups, cookies, and lots of really good food. The weather Saturday was weird. It was sunny for a while, then pouring, then sunny, then raining again, it was strange. But I guess Arad got to experience the real Eugene. 🙂
I wanted him to see campus, so we explored campus for a bit even though it was raining. I showed him my favorite spot to study in our student union and we got to sit on the huge chair that’s in there that is never empty! It’s a chair that could fit about 10 people, it’s huge! I wanted to show him everything, so we went to the little market on campus that I could use my points at and bought a few snacks, then continued our way towards the basketball arena. We have this really weird store here called Hirons. It has about anything you could ever need. It’s like a party store, hardware store, Oregon clothing store, drug store, Hallmark, and office supply store all put under the same roof. It’s pretty awesome, and it’s really fun to just roam around in and explore.
There’s a food store called Market of Choice right next door, so we went in and bought a fair amount of snacks to survive on. The store is like a smaller Whole Foods, it’s really cool, but just as pricey as Whole Foods.
On the walk back we stopped at the duck store just to explore and for Arad to see what it was like and if he wanted anything. Just walking around the store can be fun because there are some really weird things, like UO bathrobes, haha.
Then back to my dorm for nap and homework time since we both still had school and had a fair amount of homework to do, boo. But it was a good break from walking so much. I’m used to it now, all the walking, but Arad wasn’t so it was a good break for him.
There’s this really cute market downtown that has the best chocolates and coolest kitchen gadgets, so we walked there to explore, since there’s not much else to do in Eugene except explore. The market is really pretty though, it’s always decorated and has a fountain in the middle that we both wished on with a penny. We went into this hippy ish store across the street, the same one where I bought my propellor hat just to explore a little more. Then off to voodoo’s!  Voodoo’s is a must when in Oregon, their donuts are so delicious.
We had dinner that night downstairs in my dining common because I thought it would be good for Arad to experience dorm food once and I didn’t know where else to go for dinner.
Again, we could have gone out that night, but it was so much nicer just to spend the night in with him and spend some good alone time with him.

Sunday was just as busy. It’s weird to think that this was all this weekend when it seems like so long ago already, I hate this feeling. I want to be back with him.
Sunday morning we got the famous brunch downstairs at my dining thing which has the best chocolate milk ever! Even Arad thought so. 🙂 And the food wasn’t that awful, I like to think that my dorm food is pretty good, even though I might be a bit biased.
Right after brunch, we took my friends car to this park nearby that I love. Hendricks Park. It’s beautiful, and the weather was just right, a little on the cold side, but still sunny. We hiked around the park for about an hour, just walking around talking and taking pictures. It was so fun, I wish we never had to leave. It was just so nice to be with him, just the two of us, in a new place, exploring together and having fun.

We walked to Pre’s rock since it was really close. It’s the rock where Pre crashed his car and died. There’s a plaque there and people leave so many things there, like flowers, old running shoes, and medals. It’s really cool, but sad.
Just walking along the road with Arad talking about nothing and joking around was so much fun. I love how I’m able to be completely myself around him, I don’t have to hide anything at all. I just love it so much.
There’s this really good cupcake place, Divine Cupcakes, a ways away from me, but it’s delicious. Divine Cupcakes makes just vegan cupcakes, but also gluten free and sugar free one. They’re all so good, the perfect cupcake. 🙂
Thanks to my friend Sean, who let me use his car this weekend, getting to Hendricks and cupcakes was very easy, and I even let Arad drive, but shhh, only I was supposed to. 🙂
Before devouring the cupcakes, we went back to Barry’s for lunch and got their delicious sandwiches because honestly that’s one of the only places I know to get good food around here. I need to start exploring more.
Then more homework time, I think we’re a pretty good team, we were very productive and were both able to get most if not all of our homework done.
I really wanted to go out to dinner that night because I’m really getting sick of dorm food, and I had a good excuse to go out. 🙂
So we drove to this really good Italian place that I’ve been to before, Beppe & Ginanni’s Trattoria. The food was delicious and the place is really nice. It’s a house that was made into a restaurant so it was really interesting. And dinner was fun. 🙂 It was nice just to sit and talk together about everything. It’s so easy to talk to him, I love it so much.
My roommate got back that night so honestly it was a little awkward with the three of us sleeping in the room, but it was fine, especially since she left early in the morning for class.

Monday was a good day. It was only yesterday, but it feels like weeks ago. Why does this happen? I really don’t like it. 😦
I really wanted Arad to come to a class with me to see what a college lecture is like and what a college campus is like when there are tons of people around, so I dragged him to my Geography class at 9 in the morning. I know it was kinda boring for him, but I just wanted him to experience a little college while he was here, and  I needed to go to class. But he fit in because he wore his Oregon sweatshirt. 🙂
We grabbed a quick breakfast of a muffin and bagel at my favorite cafe place right next to campus, then walked to find my new favorite place on campus. I ran through it a few days ago, and it was a part of campus I had never seen so I wanted to take him to explore it. It was the music and education part of campus and I think it’s so pretty!
We just walked though there and made our way towards the rec center through the cemetery that’s on campus. Yes, we have a cemetery on campus, it’s really creepy and muddy. I was able to get him into the rec center to give him a little tour which was fun, and we walked past the intramural soccer fields and track that is open to everyone. And Hayward Field! It was fun for me to take him every where that I always tell him about, so now when I tell him I went to the rec center or something, he’ll actually know. It’s just a way to make more memories with him and for him to be as involved as possible in my life here.
Then me, being the mom that I am, made Arad get some snacks for his plane ride back since he was flying back around dinner time, and it was a way for me to use up my points since I always have way too many.
I wanted to show him where I run almost every week even though it was a pretty long walk, but we made it. 🙂 There was a really cool bench that we rested on for awhile, I always run past it, but have never actually stopped to look at it, it was pretty cool. It had a whole bunch of quotes and names and funny things written on it, we left our own little quote there too.:)
We walked the trail all the way out to Autzen stadium, our football stadium. It was fun. 🙂
We didn’t really do a lot this weekend except for walking around and exploring and seeing things that I want to show him, but it was still so much fun. 🙂
On our way back to the dorm we grabbed falafel from a little street cart and sat on a bench and ate, the falafel is soooo good. 🙂 And it comes with free lemonade, so it was perfect. 🙂
And just because we could, we went to get yogurt right next to campus in one of the yogurt places I’ve never been to, Yogurt Extreme. It was so good! And it was such a cute place. Even just sitting and eating with Arad is fun, because it’s never awkward and we can somehow always have a conversation going. I just love it so much.
There’s a little hippie store down the street from yogurt so we went in there so I could buy my sister a little birthday present since it’s soon. 🙂
We needed to rest our feet so we came back to my room for a bit then headed back out downtown in search for something that he could bring back for his family. We didn’t find anything, but it was just really fun to explore and go into new shops and stores. I found a really cute small organic store that sells really good food. 🙂
We also found out that Eugene is a little sketchy at time and places, some of the people are a little crazy.
We had to walk all the way to my friends house to pick up his car again, and it was raining the whole time, but it was still really nice. 🙂
I really wanted to show him the other side of Eugene, across the Willamette  river, but we didn’t have enough time after getting the car, but that’s okay. I love any time I get to spend with him.
I hated driving to the airport, not because it was dark and rainy outside, but because I was driving to say goodbye to him again. 😦

It hasn’t hurt this much since I left for college the first time. I think after spending a little more than 3 days straight with him made me realize how much I love him and how much we’re meant for each other. It was like we were living together for those 3 nights and it was amazing, each day I loved waking up to him more and more, and each day I found a new little thing about him to fall in love with. I didn’t realize till he was here how much he has changed me to be my happy self all the time. I’m always happy around him, he makes me forget about everything bad and just makes me so happy. I’m so so lucky to be with him and have such an amazing relationship with him. I know he’ll always be there for me and I’ll always do the same for him.


This weekend was amazing, I wish it never had to come to an end, but I’m glad we got to have that time together. It was amazing while it lasted, it’s just so hard to say goodbye every time. 😦 I still have a lump in my throat from it, and it’s probably not going to go away for a few days.

But my friend told me something today.

I should be happy that I feel this way, because it means that I’m capable of feelings, such strong feelings. And I’m only feeling this way because the good is so good and it’s hard to let it go for awhile. Although I know these feelings of love will never leave me. It’s just hard to be away from him for so long. But we have been making it work, and I know we will continue to.

I’m just so lucky to have such an amazing relationship with Arad, I couldn’t ask for anything better, I will always love him.



It’s sunny outside.

It’s sunny outside, something that doesn’t happen usually during the winter in Eugene, and what am I doing? I’m sitting in front of my computer all day attempting to do homework that means nothing to me.

I want to get out, I want to explore the world, I want to be with the ones I love, and not stuck here not knowing what I’m doing with my life everyday. I want to get out.

I find myself thinking everyday, what am I doing here? How is this taking me anywhere I want to go, and am I happy here?

I honestly don’t know the answers to any of those questions and it scares me to think that.

Of course I’m here to get an education, but for what? To better my life? There are tons of people out there who are happy with their lives and don’t have the highest education. Is education really what brings happiness in the future?

I’d be content knowing that because of the years of education I’m going through, I’ll be happy, respected, safe and loved by someone, because that’s what I’d be completely happy with in my future.  But in no means does an education give that to you.

I’m frustrated by the push by society to get a better education because it will “make your life better and happier” It may make it easier to find a certain job you’re looking for or to meet tons of new people, but to me, almost no part of it makes me happier. I love learning about new things, on my own however. Whenever I sit in a class room I feel like I’m being forced to swallow knowledge that will be no help to me in the future and that will not benefit me in any way. I’d much rather go out on my own,  travel the world and hear what others have to say. To me, knowledge of other cultures around the world is the best knowledge you could have. It teaches you what others have to say and what they think, and it opens your mind to the world and different possibilities.

Everyone always says you’ll find out who you really are and what you’re interested in when you get to college, because of the wide variety of classes available, but now, almost halfway through my freshman year, I’m still taking classes where I just feel like a fish being fed too much food that’s not needed to live. I feel stuck.

Lately, I’ve been asked by many people if I’m happy here. When I respond with yes, I often feel like I’m lying. For the most part, I do think I’m happy here. I love the weather, the nature is amazing, the people are nice and so far my classes haven’t been awful. I just feel like I’m missing such a huge piece of something, and I can’t figure out what it is. I know I miss my life at home, my amazing friends and boyfriend that make me so happy and comfortable, but I can’t help but feeling like I’m still missing a huge part of what can make me happy here. I still feel like a lost puppy dog searching for what makes me happy and comfortable.

But on a happier note, Arad is coming to visit in less than two weeks! 13 days. 🙂
I’m beyond excited! I’m so excited to show him around campus, have him try all the delicious food, and just to be with him again. I can’t wait to see him and feel his arms around me again, I miss it so much. He’s one of the only people that has been able to make me truly happy and I can’t put it into words how excited I am to feel that way again.

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